when you first start learning something new it's always exciting and filled with unlimited potential. you improve in leaps and bounds and it seems like there's no end to new things to learn and figure out.
wow, i love cooking - you think. i could do this every day for the rest of my life. look at this list of new dishes i can try. i'm going to be a cooking genius in a few years. look how much better i am than before!
one day you wake up and realise you're cooking because you have to eat, and not because you're excited to cook.
the magic has run out.
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having specific goals to focus on often brings a surge of motivation. the goal could be anything, really. “i want to get to promoted”. “i wish my room was clean”. “i want some food”.
the magic moment happens when you look at something you could do and think, "that's something i want".
when i was a new grad i wanted to be a great engineer. i wanted to make a lot of impact and change the world. i wanted to learn from others and improve and teach and mentor other people.
when i’m hungry eating a meal suddenly sounds like this miracle that will solve all the problems in my life.
when i moved into my new apartment i thought, this apartment will be so great once all the furniture gets here and everything is in its place. the apartment will be clean and it'll be such a nice place to live.
that dream kept me hammering in nails and deciphering arcane instructions clearly not intended for human consumption.
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when there is a concrete deadline or date for the goal, inspiration comes very naturally. some of my best work was with deadlines coming up.
Having a deadline looming is almost a peaceful thing because it feels as if the deadline simplifies all the variables of living. It forces everything not deadline-related to blur out of focus. Without a deadline, time feels too open to be peaceful. That freedom is crushing because it feels like looking at a big, blank canvas of usable time, and then being forced to solve how to use it best. It takes so much work just to get to figuring out what to do with the time! There are too many possibilities, too much potential, and by extension, too much pressure. Because what if I do the wrong thing? What if I squander the options? Is now the time to work? And if so, what do I work on? Is now the time to rest? And if it is, how can I rest in the best way possible? How do I get the most rest? But if it is time to rest, doesn’t this mean that I can use this time to be not resting instead? And so I feel like I can only find peace within focused and defined time.
i recently worked for a few months as a barista. honestly the morning rushes are some of the most magical experiences i’ve had in my life. ten customers come through the door and order twenty different items and the girl with the lululemon of course wants honey in her iced oat milk latte and the dude with the 2 macchiatos but one with cinnamon just came through the door and you have to somehow remember all these orders and which lululemon girl wanted two thirds skim milk and one third almond milk.
it’s chaotic and there’s a line of customers out the door and you may have forgotten an order and everyone is at least mildly stressed - but for just a moment everyone is thinking the same thing. get these fucking customers out the door. in that moment, nothing else really matters.
i’ve had a lot of moments like these in my life, in different ways.
i find myself frequently starting projects right before they’re due. 2 days before it’s due it’s just a boring project that i can’t really motivate myself to work on.
sure, i could do this project, and finish it in a few hours, but what would i do with the rest of my day? why start it now? there are so many other things i could be doing.
1 hour before it’s due, it’s suddenly a speedrun, a challenge to rush through all the work and get it done before it’s due. suddenly i’m out of freedom, out of options, and there’s only one thing to do. get the fucking project out the door.
i think having a deadline can make the difference between “wow this is a lot of work” and “i’m excited to be done with this!”
i don't like thinking about the date i start, i like thinking about the date i'm gonna end. example - graduated from high school, you're going to college in 5 months. the goal would be to show up to college fit. maybe drop a few pounds if that's what you want. or pack on some muscle if that's what you want. and you kind of hyperfocus on that thing.
because when you start in 2022 "i'm gonna work out every day", it's like oh my god i'm gonna have to do this for 1 year? why? this is so hard, i have to eat broccoli and chicken, what's the goal? but if you have a goal in your mind and there's like a deadline it's much easier.
you got 60 days to get fit.
you got 59 days to get fit.
you got 58 days to get fit.
it's much easier to stay motivated for 60 days than to stay motivated for an indefinite amount of days.
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it's not always that easy, though. sometimes you look at something, and for whatever reason you think "i can't be fucked", or "that's not actually something i really want", "this isn't something i can achieve".
one thing i've always struggled with is learning languages. every once in awhile i think "wow it would be really cool to be good at a language" and then i get onto duolingo and spend 20 minutes learning the language and then i give up the next day.
in 2018 i had a korea trip booked and coming up in a few days and i was like "wow it would be super cool to learn korean so i can use it in korea" and i probably spent a total of 1.5 hours learning korean before i gave up.
some goals are just too hard i guess. or maybe i’m just too lazy.
not every goal is one you can feel inspired by and sometimes you can’t find any goals at all.
I feel like I reached the point where I don't know what to do in life.
I just become a mindless robot, where I surf the internet for hours before my work (night shift worker), work with a bare minimum of conversation with coworkers (basic stuff/work-related), and go back home to either sleep or back to the internet again. I have hobbies (or had), but usually, I don't want to do them. even playing games doesn't feel that exciting anymore.
So my life is lacking of social life, enjoyable hobbies, and just a mindless grind to work with constant surfing on the internet. this feels so unhealthy but I just don't know where to fix this. people around me have their up and downs in life, but my graphics seems flat, no excitement or problems.
some people find purpose in life more easily.
“i’m going to become a c-level executive”
“i’m going to start an amazing family”
“i’m going to live a life in honour of Jesus dying for our sins”
many people find ways to feel great about how their time is going to a worthwhile cause.
for others, we’re stuck answering questions like “why does life not feel exciting?” and “how should i spend my time?”
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when you start something new you always improve and learn quickly. there’s a lot of goals thrown at you all at once. whether it’s your first volleyball spike, your first successful latte art, or your first promotion at work - each one comes with a certain magic and elation that leaves you glowing for days.
some activities in life even provide you with a really nice progression of goals for free.
in rpg games, you start off at level 1, and you progress upwards and every level takes a little more xp than the last level to make it a bit more challenging.
in online pvp games, you have an elo or rank, or both, and climbing every rank requires you to invest more effort than the previous rank.
in anime, often the protagonist is presented with a series of enemies who increase slowly in power level as the protagonist also gets stronger to keep the fights exciting.
the activities are designed perfectly around keeping the uncertainly of the challenge, at being at the perfect difficulty such that the goal feels worthwhile but yet is not completely out of reach.
every once in awhile you get a big boss fight at the end of a section and it's something to look forward to, especially if it's difficult. you get a sense of accomplishment, you have a dream to grind for, you think, wow, it'll be so epic once this powerful boss gets killed.
as you improve and progress though, you start to want more, but each successive achievement takes more work and effort. getting to 1000 elo took me maybe a hundred hours. getting to 1500 elo took me another thousand hours. could probably have done it faster if i had talent.
slowly the achievements start to require a tiny bit more work and feel a tiny bit less satisfying than the last. slowly improving starts to become a little exhausting, the results come slower.
i never improved past 1500 elo in chess. sometimes i play when i need a quick hit of dopamine but i’m out of energy to improve any further. what’s the point anymore?
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what happens after you’ve achieved your goals?
magnus carlsen just gave up his world championship title because he said he's unmotivated to play the championship games. he said, "I am not motivated to play another match; I simply feel that I don’t have a lot to gain".
JerAx retired from dota 2 after winning the international twice. "I have no willingness nor passion to play Dota 2 anymore".
i think sometimes the saddest parts of having goals comes after they are completed. after you get promoted and you realise that nothing has changed except your title. after you make grandmaster in starcraft and realise none of your friends play the game anymore.
while you’re full speed zooming towards a goal sometimes you don’t stop to think about what comes after the goal or how you’re going to feel after the goal is completed.
people talk about things called “bucket lists”. lists of things they want to do before they die.
i do have a list of things i want to do with my life. i think the scariest thing to me is what happens if i ever manage to cross the last item off that list. after i have nothing left to achieve, how can i possibly feel like i have anything to live for?
a goal can often be a beautiful and perfect ideal, a motivation, something to live for. “it’ll be so great if i win the lottery! my life will be so good!” “if i win this latte art competition it’ll be the best day of my life”. i think having those kinds of aspirations is very cool.
but when you’re actually done winning the lottery, what then? how can you possibly find another achievement that can compare? no one ever thinks about that.
but i think that’s for the better. it’s better that the dream stays perfect and beautiful and inspiring. it’s better that you don’t have to worry about what comes afterwards.
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for a good chunk of your life you get a bunch of goals provided for you for free. in the academic system you get tests and grades and you get stack ranked against all the other students. when you play sports you have an A team and a B team and a C team.
personally i recall being on the G team for basketball and the F team for soccer. yeah my high school had a lot of sports teams.
in school your life has a defined purpose and getting good marks on your exams feels good because exams measure your worth as a student.
even if you don’t care about any of the grades you get a bunch of mini-goals for free to look forwards to.
“wow this week was hard, i’m looking forwards to the weekend”.
“once exams are done i can relax, it’ll be so stress-free”
“wow i wish i could date this girl in my biology class”
on the other hand, when you don't have goals, you need to make up goals yourself. and if you're lazy like me some days you can't be bothered to make goals and you vegetate and play online chess and watch youtube videos.
26 july: i don't have any motivation to do anything. i sit at home and play 5 minute chess games because they give me a dopamine hit when i pull off a sick play. i watch videos on youtube and occasionally eat meals with friends when they ask me to hang out.
the first week of unemployment i felt more alive and excited to do things. this week i feel like putting in minimum effort and living as lazy a life as possible.
when you have less freedom the choices are obvious and the purpose is clear. if you have a job you have to show up on time. if you’re hungry you need to get some food.
when you have more freedom you have to answer questions like “how should i spend my time?” and “what should i do with my life?”
For me, freedom always used to mean complete and utter independence. I thought if I got out of my tiny town, graduated from the right school, and got the perfect job, I’d finally feel free. In my mind’s eye I always imagined freedom would feel like flying and fully believed that once I spiritually took to the air, I’d finally feel at peace.
More recently though, I reached that supposedly peaceful place. I’ve been a complete and total free bird for the last few months — no one I need or owe anything to in sight. And guess what? All I seem to be capable of doing with these wings is spiral in tight sequential circles. I’ve felt lost and confused, unable to wayfind anything that might provide me direction or a sense of purpose. I thought that with freedom’s high-level perspective I’d subsequently be able to spot where meaning was hiding somewhere within me, but so far I’m just not seeing it.
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once you start your job it’s all about performance evaluations, promotions, career advancement.
the start of work feels like an anime where you are at the start of your training arc and you don't know anything and the only way to go is up. everything is new, you’re shit at everything, and you have experienced and talented people to look up to.
at its best, work can also give you a kaleidoscope of people, ideas, and inspiration. the talented people you meet, the projects which were so complex you never thought you'd finish them, and the late nights trying to bring the software back up for the 3rd time that week.
at its worst, you’ll find yourself checking the time every 5 minutes waiting for the day to end so you can get back to the rest of your life. the work is too easy and mindless and you realise you’re simply passing time.
once upon a time, work and career provided a big goal for me that i could always fall back on when i felt like i needed something to focus on. when i was working, i was productive. i was providing value. my time was being spent usefully. when i didn’t know what to do with myself i did work, and i could relax in the comfort of knowing i was making a positive impact.
for some time the company and my identity intertwined, and it felt great. every project i delivered successfully and issue i fixed at work indicated i was a valuable human being.
it never lasts forever though. you can only deliver a project so many times before it becomes part of the routine instead of a magic new experience.
maybe that’s what they call burn out.
working at the small startup really presented just a big stream of dopamine hits
like: you helped closed biggest deal in co!!! nice you helped 3 people this week!! sales up 200%!! wow you made big good project!!
then company gets big and that dries up and it feels not nearly as good
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sometimes i worry that my life can be too goal centered. too focused on achievements. i look for something i really want and put in 200% effort until i get there and once i’m done i become a worthless piece of furniture until i find the next big thing i want.
i have a lot of questions for myself. what happens when i run out of goals? can i be happy without goals? can i ever be happy with what i have? will i one day find a goal that i regret?
If you could do away with hunger entirely, would you do so, or continue to experience the upswings and downswings of satisfying a need that you could remove?
i do think having these goals makes life colourful, no matter if i achieve them or not.
one day i thought “i want to make good latte art” and it brought me to a coffee shop with some incredible people. my latte art is still shit but now i kind of get what good latte art should look like.
another day i thought “i want to get better at league of legends” and i found a duo partner and a one of a kind coach who explains the game like it’s tic-tac-toe. now i’m hard stuck platinum instead of hard stuck gold, which isn’t that much better.
i wanted to be good at volleyball and suddenly i found myself part of an amazing community and found friends and teammates and practice partners and other people who loved the sport. still bad at volleyball, of course.
i wonder - what is the valuable thing i gained from these adventures?
was it really just about getting promoted from gold to platinum?
or did i gain something else entirely?
In a book I am reading rn (subtle art of not giving a f*ck) they say reaching the goal is rarely as fulfilling as the well setup process and progression of reaching the goal. So the "best" way to be happy is to do the progression you like and then get the goals as an unintended side-effect.
I think that's sorta relevant to what you wrote here? You really enjoy the flow of serving lululemon girls in peak cafe traffic, the side-effect is the wealth of experience and stories from that, not the title of a barista for 3 months.
Your blog posts are always a joy to read Davy. But as poignant as the point was, I'm still compelled to comment: what kind of psycho what want two thirds skim milk and one third almond milk? For literally what reason?! What in tarnation?!